15 Reasons to Vote for Ron Paul
1. He’s against gun control laws, so citizens will be able to defend themselves better because everyone will own a gun.
2. He wants to overturn Roe v. Wade, which will help decrease unemployment by creating an influx of unwanted babies and thus more social worker and orphanage management jobs.
3. He wants to encourage home-schooling, so students won’t have to worry about making friends or taking showers, and the country’s over-paid teachers will finally have to get real jobs.
4. He wants to eliminate federal programs that help the poor, causing all of them to freeze or starve to death, eradicating poverty entirely.
5. He’s a rich white guy, and that would automatically make him a good president, right?
6. While the rest of the developed world is moving towards more socialized, economically-balanced government involvement, he wants to go in the opposite direction, reversing decades of progressive advancements — making us the hip, rebellious, non-conformist country that will get all the girls.
7. He wants to eliminate federal regulations on business, allowing them to employ children, cut back on safety procedures, and lower workers’ pay so struggling business owners can finally afford the yachts for their summer homes in the Hamptons.
8. He places ultimate faith in the power of the free market, implicitly relying on trickle-down economics, an approach that worked so well for Reagan and Bush.
9. He wants to give local government nearly all authority, allowing them to return to enacting policies like the federally-squashed Jim Crow laws without the feds getting all up in their grills.
10. Most people really don’t know what Ron Paul stands for, so you can say you support him without sounding like an idiot.
11. He wants to eliminate the IRS and essential taxes, forcing government officials to raise money from lemonade stands and janitorial jobs, teaching them the value of an honest day’s work.
12. His political ideology is one step to the left of fascism, so he probably wouldn’t have been friends with Hitler.
13. He’s Libertarian, which sounds almost like “liberal.”
14. It’s a lot easier to pick the radical underdog candidate than it is to actually study the issues and pick the best candidate.
15. He’ll never win the election, so you’ll always be able to say “if Ron Paul was president, things would be better,” since no one could ever prove you wrong.